Being True to Myself
Have you ever felt the need to be someone you're not in order to fit in?
Throughout my life, I was put in to situations that test me, ones that have put me in uncomfortable positions in order for me to realize, "Is this where I'm supposed to be?" I've had moments of imposter syndrome in elementary, middle, and high school, and it's even crept its way in to my college years.
As a child, I was considered a tomboy. Always hanging out with the boys and playing sports. But there was a part of me that wanted to feel included with the girls. Let's just say that the girls I surrounded myself with at that age felt cliquey and exclusive. The little girl inside me was craving to be included, to be a part of that exclusivity. To be invited to sleepovers, birthday parties, and after-school playdates. In the end, conforming to that narrative didn't make me happy. That was my first lesson in life that had me looking in the mirror and wondering, "Are these the types of people I want to be surrounded by?"
You would think after that I would have learned my lesson, but I guess life had a few more lessons lined up for me. The transfer of private to public school was a tough one. Leaving my friends in one school and having to make new friends in another really terrified me. How am I, a shy, young girl who is scared to put herself out there, supposed to create a whole new friend group at 11 years old? The first group of girls I put myself out there for quickly had me running in the other direction. I just knew there was no way I would ever feel like I am 100% myself. After a good month of trying to read everyone around me and see who I would feel most comfortable with, I finally found the group of people who I knew would be with me for a very long time.
Fast forward to high school, I'm still with the same group of friends and I'm thinking to myself, "This should be easy." Ha. Good one Yarden. New people, parties, and boys were the hot topic at this point. Going on dates, staying up late, and being put in different social environments. At this point, it felt like I was a whole different person with each group of people I would surround myself with. Honestly, it got exhausting. I felt like I was one person at school, another at home, and a completely different one when it was time to go out. Was this the life I wanted to live? I don't think I even got out of that feeling until I graduated from high school. Being surrounded by the same people for almost seven years can get very confusing. I can't just stop acting how I always did without questions being thrown my way, wondering why I've changed. I was ready to graduate and get out of there at that point.
I finally got what I wanted - I graduated and got myself out of the bubble of Agoura Hills, California. Now I had to put myself out there again and find my little community in such a large school. The best way I thought to do that was putting myself through recruitment and finding a sorority that I felt connected to. Going through recruitment was one of the most draining processes I have ever experienced. Plastering on that smile for a whole week, going through what felt like interviews, and having to open up to girls I barely even knew was definitely out of my comfort zone. And even after going through that whole process and finding a sorority, in the end it wasn't meant for me. What I should have realized early on was that my girls were right there in front of me that whole time. I'm so lucky to have found roommates who I feel comfortable around, who I can be myself with and not be judged for it, who lift me up in my lowest of lows and praise me at my highest of highs. I could not have asked for a better deal.
Hi Yarden,
ReplyDeleteI think it's easy to fall into molds we once created for ourselves, and a lot of people change depending on who they are with. I've learned and am still learning to break those molds and be more myself and what is a true form of who I am today. I had a similar experience where I felt completely different once I was out of high school and broke away from certain friend groups that I felt didn't fit anymore. I'm really glad you found your people and finally broke out of those molds created in high school!
Hey Yarden, I completely understand where you're coming from and the experiences you've had. I feel like this will be a topic most will relate to. I grew up as a tom boy but always wanted to be included with the girls too. I then had two friends who were abusive in middle school who eventually transferred. High school had friends that I initially connected with but realized they were quite selfish and distanced myself until transferring. I spent most of my college life going on weekend getaways cuz I didn't feel like I had anyone I connected to. I also met someone that was my roommate that ended up being absolutely awesome but once we lived in seperate places we grew apart. Now I have found an awesome community of people I connect with and can be my genuine self. Crazy how it can be so hard to feel like yourself and find where you fit. Once you finally do, it's such a relieving moment and you just feel so thankful for the people you are surrounded around. I'm excited to see the direction your blog goes. I know it will be inspiring for many people who have been through the same sort of situation and have felt the same way.
ReplyDeleteHi Yarden, I totally understand the feeling of wanting to fit in, especially for me it was a lot more common before college. I remember trying to always fit in with a whole bunch of different friend groups throughout elementary and middle school. In high school I noticed that I ended friendships more often because I didn't find them to be beneficial to me. In college, I didn't really worry myself with trying to find as many friends and when I did find a friend it was more naturally and genuine. Thank you for sharing your experience and I look forward to your blog.
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